A Yellow Haze (#poem)

A yellow haze seeps across my brain
Like the L.A. smog bringing tears to my eyes in an afternoon classroom
Thoughts are frozen but only on the outside
Inside there’s a riot, prisoners banging on walls to escape

Why didn’t I know life was about tension and release?
Why was life’s meaning so hidden from me?
Was it to protect or a form of neglect?
Too late now to consider what I believe

Answers are coming but as slow as honey
Each is stretching my abilities so humble
Like a rubber band, pliable in small doses
Stretch too far and it will snap and crumble

In the Studio Discovering a New Path and Identity

Woke up to another beautiful sunny day here in Las Vegas and that means waking up early this time of year. The dawn begins to break a little before 5 am and by 6, I can no longer stay in bed. I climb down the stairs from the third floor, stopping off on the second floor to grab a cup of coffee before continuing on to my first floor studio.

I log onto my Mac and continue with a Master Class on Electronic Dance Music, which I absolutely love and have loved since my Disco days. Playing around with sound triggers the knowledge I now have about my father and that side of a musical family – the family I did not know growing up. People did that more back then – when the couple split, that was the end of the father and “hello, step dad” who was now dad (sometimes you didn’t know he wasn’t your dad), and you used his last name.” Good-bye identity.

But that is old news. What strikes me today as I play around with sounds for an Electro Pop song is that knowing I have an “ear for music,” (told to me throughout my school years and later by my Las Vegas vocal coach, who happened to be starring in “Mamma Mia” on stage), was how lonely it was for me to have these gifts but not really understand them, unable to embrace my true identity because I was surrounded by strangers who were family. Strangers because my mother and half-siblings did not have these gifts, although to his credit, my step dad played the guitar. Ironically, he was the most supportive of my music. But my mother and siblings seemed to want to down play my musical gifts. Subtly, of course. 😮

So here I am, decades later, having met and discovered my family and my identity, pursuing my love for music, embracing all that I am. It’s a thrill, a triumph, but with a sense of loss and regret of the choices that others made for me. And why I’m such an advocate for children, whether adopted or conceived through sperm and egg donors or anything that has gotten in the way of children not knowing who they truly are. It’s an outrage!

Over ten years ago (closer to fifteen now), I wrote and published my story in Myths of the Fatherless, but I think it’s needed even more today.

In the Studio: Electro Pop song in progress


Girls and Black Cars (Tribute to the Grandmother I Never Met)

The most exciting part about discovering my father and his family was uncovering how much I’m like many of the family members. The music, the poems, fine dining, romantic, convertibles, swimming pools, black cars, transistor radios, manner of expressing myself, and the Christian Faith.

So I had to create this video about grandma and me and our love of black cars (she’s the one in the scarf), highlighting some of the gifts they’ve passed down to me. Please like and share the video on youtube.

Thank you!

Reflections (#poem)

Times of transition
Are cause for reflection
As we walk this journey of life
Passing through stages
At different ages
Remembering the joy and delights

That moment I met you
Surprised me with a love so true
Nothing better than talking for days
The Mustang brochure
Impressed me for sure
Speeding down California highways

Disney World and all of the scheming
This Old House started us dreaming
Of a home of our own and kitties to share
Our longings came true
Warm fires without a flue
Ignited sparks that took us everywhere

We lived near the mouse
In a Minnie Mouse house
On a pond and woods in the back
But soon we were homesick
Strangers in the tropics
Three kitties in the car heading west on the fast track

The Florida dream over
No looking over shoulders
Bright lights and the desert called us to Vegas
Two years became the ten year plan
Trips to the beach and Disneyland
A whisper from the past became a prayer to trust

In a time of transition
I begin my reflection
No more building houses from the ground
Going home has more meaning
A house is just a building
And home is where true love is found

Silently in the Night (#poem)

The answer comes silently in the night
The eternal waiting appears to be over
Only to reveal underlying issues that hover
Digging deeper chasing bones that take flight

Problems now gone were just the cover
Relief brings losses hidden in darkness
The heart surrenders to feelings of cowardice
Leaving behind yesterday’s lover

Where is the victory when signing the papers
Handing over a piece of your heart
No touching the promise of the future’s new start
Trusting the purpose and plan of the Savior

Shrinking two sizes means more than new clothes
New shoes and rings on your hands
New life must shutter old habits and plans
Embracing the space of galaxies unknown

Girls In Black Cars (#poem)

Girls in black cars
Long and lean
Driving down the highway
Built for speed
After so much waiting I can finally say
“It’s happening!”

Poems writing themselves
When you could not sleep
Did it bring you comfort
Did it offer relief
Did you know we were so alike
Striving to achieve

Young pretty grandma
Smiling hazel eyes
Five boys to raise
And then one surprise
Baby girl rocking gently in your arms
Hidden away a lifetime of disguise

Growing up quickly
Racing down the highway near and far
Playing music loudly
Learning how to pray in a bar
Challenging boys to the quarter mile
Picture tells the story of women in black cars

They Say They Want a Better World (#poem)

They say they want a better world
Yet having kids with different mothers and fathers
Wounding the children without real love and discipline
Taking meaningless selfies to post on Instagram
Asking “how are you?” they could not be bothered

They say they want a better world
Using the *F* word as if it is cool
Running from God out of sheer rebellion
Thinking they know better than those who came before them
Reinventing the world with their own silly rules

They say they want a better world
While enabling others to harm themselves
Legalizing hurts in the name of freedom
Values on “Father Knows Best” are now shunned
When the worst one could say was “damn” or “hells bells”

They say they want a better world
Filling their life with false gods and their stooges
Paying the price of greedy addictions
Turning away from moral convictions
Yet there’s hope I do believe
Old-fashioned values can still be seen
In “Incredibles 2” if one so chooses

How Far We Have Come (#poem)

Sometimes we forget how far we have come
In the darkness of what is lost
In the morning light the truth shines bright
On simpler times and battles won

Sitting on the couch holding hands in our mind
In the freshness of new love
Nothing better than this, Ginger purrs with a kiss
Leaving the past far behind

Blessings abound so starts our new life
Our enthusiasm strikes a match
Skipper, Lovey, Buddy make three, hearts full and free
Their leaving cuts like a knife

Memories of houses and adventures galore
Photos make it real
A year ago last April, in-between time is painful
We’ve been here before

We may not see where the road leads
But promises have always come true
Something better ahead and so we are led
How far we have come, down on our knees



L.A. Nights Book Trailer is Live

Story and Music by Kathy Holmes

I love making book trailers, using visuals and making my own music to give a peek into a story I also wrote. L.A. Nights is available as a standalone short story or as part of the Cougars in Cabo anthology. For more information, see SHORT STORIES under the BOOKS menu.

Road of Broken Dreams (#poem)

On the road of broken dreams I see clearly now
The longings hidden below the surface show themselves somehow
Blond hair, blue eyes and Bomber jacket
Were signs of a lost love I could not fathom

Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio honeymooning in Japan
A baby born to a teenaged mom would come to understand
How similar the path would be when torn from a father
Searching for love from men and places and happily ever after

A restless heart and wounds from the start
A life of unrest, then happiness in the Father’s arms
To fill that hole with a love so true and real
On the road of broken dreams, so thankful for everything that brought you here you kneel