FAWM 2019 (Original Songs)

Today is the last day of FAWM (February Album Writing Month) 2019 and I finished all 14 songs. Songwriters have different goals for FAWM but it’s a time to experiment, get creative, try different things.

This was my second FAWM and it went a lot better than my first. I’m making progress – yay! I noticed that I did a lot more EDM than before and I’m thinking that’s turning into my strong suit.

Here’s my playlist for FAWM 2019.

The Waiting Game (#poem)

I’ve been here too many times before
Yet this time you want even more
Midnight poems turn into prayers
The sweet turns salty in my tears
My shell hardens as I take aim
And play the Waiting Game

I read the line that all is for my good
I should be thankful, yes I should
They may be right but all I hear
Is hurt from a wounded parental fear
The kind you run from to emotionally survive
To keep alive the heart of an innocent child

My mouth is dry in the desert night
Counting the minutes til broad daylight
How many more til the Easter Sunrise?
Before fragile hope breaks and my Faith is just a lie
Anger abounds and I fight not to sin
To let it out when I strive to reel it in

Fighting myself and fighting God
Wrestling again when I remember the odds
Asking “how can I be here again?”
Remember what my surrender cost?
Remember how the loss turned into a win?
How can I doubt when the timing was perfection?

In the midst of the fire, in the midst of the pain
Have I said it all, can I reach it again?
When memories shatter and I’m blinded
by weakness and desire
Will I survive this time, an even higher climb?
And find the strength to play the Waiting Game?

Worship in the Waiting (#poem)

Worship in the waiting they say
These words I recall lying awake
Writing, singing, working all day
Are distractions I welcome but only delay
The peace to panic transition the nighttime obeys

We’re not alone in our fears
In our struggles and overflowing tears
When our strength seems to disappear
When we’re down on our knees
Begging please please

Like writers writing fiction
Seeking love, loss, and friction
Musicians share their heart and their stories
Waiting forlornly
For answers that give Him the glory

Remember the truth and the blessings
In trials, tribulations, and second guessing
As Mary pondered the love of her life
After Good Friday comes the Easter Sunrise
Worship in the waiting conquers the fear in the lie

Sleeping in a Stranger’s House (#poem)

Daytime I see the snow-capped mountains of home in the desert light
Night time I hear screeching and scurrying under the first flight
Consciousness tells me it’s the heater roaring on a colder than usual night
Imagination weaves a story about a monster living underground
The sounds surrounding me startle me awake reminding me I’m sleeping in a stranger’s house

Money and a contract give me the right to call it mine
But my heart remembers a home of a different time
When family and memories made it more than just a mortgage and I knew I belonged
But all of that has changed and everything feels so wrong
Like landing on an unfamiliar planet where once upon a time I sang a familiar song

Living in a stranger’s house is like living in a foreign body
Looking in the mirror at an amusement park or traveling carny
The familiar is distorted, upheaving your orientation, spinning you round and round
Uncontrollable reeling, desperately seeking balance to keep you from falling on the ground
If six months in feels like home, you’re halfway there counting down

Identity (#poem)

IDENTITY

Growing up as Kathy B
Who I was I could not see
Searching for the one who made me
Was all about my identity

When my brother-in-law, who has a close relationship with his adopted daughter, visited us in Florida last fall, we talked about how similar her issues are with mine, as a result of growing up with a step dad instead of my own dad. There’s much confusion out there about our motives to find our bio parents, but, in the end, it’s all about finding out who you are and who you came from.

Larger Than Life (#poem)

He was larger than life
How could he be gone
And the house where we lived
How did it all go wrong?

If I could turn back time
I’d do it in an instant
But one thing I’ve surmised
To enjoy each moment as you live it

Counting the days until that special thing
Not knowing the losses you’ll know by then
Painful lessons life does bring
The moment is lost and won’t come back again

And before you know it, another is gone
They said he, too, was larger than life
He may have been, but he was not the one
Who taught me about love
That gift was my Skipper and Lovey, his wife

 

FAWM Day 5: Howling of the Wind (#poem)

Rat-a-tat on my window pane
The treetops holler from the third floor
Like a stranger knocking let me in
Pounding loudly outside my bedroom door

The slider on the second floor rattles my nerves
Is Daisy safe hiding in an unreachable place?
Should I tiptoe downstairs in barefoot curves?
Dodging life’s bullets hurling in space

Slurping kitty quiets the mouse
And the raging fury of the desert wind
Stills my heart praying for grace in this house
While the muse gathers strength to show up again

Creativity hides from a quiet life
Yet the artist resists her vocation like the Prophet Jeremiah
The priest reassures me about suffering and strife
A human lost in confusion in a broken Hallelujah

Once I was lost and now I am found
And the howling of the wind spins round and round…

(My middle-of-the night offering to my King)

FAWM Day 2: My Red Dress (#poem)

The writing prompt for this week is to write a song about clothing. So, as I usually do, I thought I’d start with a poem.

MY RED DRESS

Candle Apple red shoes I craved when eight
Black and white saddle shoes for ankle strength
Cathy and I sold yearbook ads both wearing a red dress
Why guy yelled “Where’s the festival?” we could only guess

Pink was the color for baby doll PJs and canopy beds
Red was my color and why I wrote “Real Women Wear Red”
Sandy and Cyn and Millie were women of three
Wearing red on a cruise ship in the islands of the Caribbean

Bikinis and pedis and cocktails for sure
Flip flops and shorts and stilettos with formal wear
Vlogging and social media may be ruling the world
But a woman in pink is still just a girl

Tonight I Suffer (#poem)

Tonight I suffer with worry and stress
Am I so afraid and so Faithless?
Tonight I drift off to peaceful slumber
Until the Shadow wakes me with howls like thunder

Ninety days and ninety nights I count myself awake
My strength is an illusion for that I am fake
If I thought Casselberry was the worst kind of trial
And nights in the desert screaming my denial

What fresh Hell is this I say
Knowing full well the sufferings of another may
Make mine pale by comparison by far
Craving the racing engine of my black car

To run away so fast, as fast as I can
Searching for wisdom from that one wise man
To be forgotten and left all alone
Searching for the comfort of knowing I’m home

FAWM Day 1

This time last year I began my first FAWM (February Album Writing Month). It nearly killed me – lol – but I was hooked.

Okay, I managed to survive, but it was very stressful. My chest muscles tightened and it hurt to breathe. By the end of the month, I even caught a cold.

I debated all year about whether to FAWM or not to FAWM again this year. We’re going through a very stressful time right now. I don’t need more stress right now. But I really enjoyed the community of supportive musicians and the songs I wrote were used throughout the year in various circumstances. How could I not FAWM?

I posted my first song for FAWM 2019 and now it’s time to do some laundry and read and relax, a day I would have been thrilled to have back in my Silicon Valley days. So maybe the answer is to take one day at a time. Gratitude. Live in the moment.

FAWM Day 1 = done!